Inverting the Self-image Triad
the flip side of stability
Recently I shared with you this model for self-image (found here and here) where I explained that our self-image is comprised of three separate, but equally important parts; Self-Esteem, Self-Respect and Self-Confidence.
When these three legs of our Self-image are intact, then we tend to enjoy much of our day-to-day lives and get to spend most of our mental and emotional energy projecting outwards to the wider world. Experiences are a little better overall, relationships feel more secure, and we have a little firmer grasp on where we stand in our communities and in the grand scheme of things generally.
When these legs are crippled, or otherwise cut short, then we introduce a wobble to our stool, and our Self-image suffers. But it doesn’t just suffer in that its no longer as strong as it once was and therefore not as pleasant. It suffers from the introduction of specific negative emotions that swoop in to fill that gap.
I am told that David Kiersey was working towards a similar theory before he died with something called “the Dark Escape”; that is, exploring the more maladaptive behaviors and tendencies of each temperament type. I unfortunately have not read any of his work on this matter, and am instead drawing on what I have seen through my years of direct contact with clients as we’ve explored this model.
So what happens?
As stated earlier, your Self-Image is comprised of three things; Self-Esteem, Self-Respect and Self-Confidence. When each of those things is crippled, there is an introduction of a specific negative emotion. They are as follows:
Self-Esteem: Your Self-esteem is going to be feedback dependent from other people. This is the way in which we seek to interact with others, and would prefer people interact with us. This will look a little different depending on which type you are (more on that later) but the general rules apply here. You are looking to others for your sense of self-esteem. When this is not present; when people are not as generous with their praise, or love or interactions as you are, and in a way you recognize, the inverse tends to be Self-Loathing or “Depression”.
Now, when I say depression, I am not really talking about the blues that we all get at random times in our lives. I am speaking more specifically of the kind of depression that introduces thoughts of being unwanted, unloved, and unloveable. These are the feelings that accompany a very critical self-assessment about ones value to others and to society as a whole. Without the proper feedback from others, in a way that you understand and appreciate (that’s the key here) you’re left to start drawing conclusions about yourself that are unhealthy and unhelpful.
Self-Respect: As you’ll remember, Self-Respect has to do with ones relationship to God, or to a higher power/authority. It does not matter much which higher power you believe in, or in what authority you place your trust; your adherence to the rules as dictated by that power or authority give you a healthy sense of self-respect. Violating those rules, disappointing that higher authority, or otherwise acting improper or immoral introduces a negative emotion in its place. That emotion is Guilt and Shame.
As we will see, each type is looking to something a little different than the rest when it comes to Self-Respect, and will have a different take on what is or is not the greatest offence one can give to a higher power or authority, but the results are the same once that line is breached. In my experience, however, Self-respect tends to be the last thing people will let go of, and usually go to great lengths to keep it in-tact. Nevertheless, it happens, and when it does, guilt and shame become a very powerful catalyst for spiraling and addictive behaviors. Most of the time people with a strong addiction find themselves in a very deep shame cycle, creating a sort of negative feedback loop.
Self-Confidence: Your self-confidence has to do with relationship to self. This is an assessment of your own performance, your capabilities and your perception of how well you may be received or how honest you are being in a given moment. This is an aspect of the Self-image Triad that is internal. Its between you and you. When we mess with this leg, when you are in conflict with yourself, the resulting negative emotion that comes to fill the void created by that insecurity is Anxiety.
Again, I’m not talking about the normal anxiety we all experience when we are faced with some new challenge, or our house is on fire and we have to get out quickly! This anxiety is the kind that completely cripples us. This is the anxiety that tells us we should not do this thing, or we should not say that. Its the kind of anxiety that will cause us to avoid people, places and things, and would have us retreat further and further into places of safety, eventually leaving us completely incapacitated at the thoughts of having to do anything difficult.
I will break down the differences between each type and their respective Self-Esteem, Self-Respect and Self-Confidence needs in the next series of posts, but as a recap;
All types are dependent on this Self-image model, and derive their Self-Esteem from relationships with others, Self-Respect from their relationship with God or Authority, and their Self-Confidence is determined by how the strength of relationship with self.
When the Self-image starts to break down by the erosion of each of these legs, there are negative, inverse emotions that will fill that gap. Self-esteem has an inverse of “self-loathing” or Depression. Self-Respect has an inverse of Guilt and Shame, and Self-Confidence has an inverse of Anxiety. The intensity with which we feel these emotions will be related to just how short that leg of our Self-Image triad has been sheered.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and interact with me as I put these thoughts out there. We are just scratching the tip of the iceberg with all of this.
Much more to come!
The trick is to break down each leg the same amount. Then the stool is stable again!
Really good