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TYPE #3
THE ABSTRACT COOPERATOR
Self-Esteem
As with all the types, Self-Esteem is rooted in our engagement with others, and how we perceive the quality of those relationships. For type #1, that was in their ability to provide and care for others, Type #2 is about play and engagement with others.
Type #3 derives their sense of Self-Esteem from an empathetic connection with others.
Now, that’s not referring to “empathy” in the sort of mystical “I know what you’re thinking and feeling” sense, but it’s more about the the desire to know the details of ones life. To understand the mysteries of a person. To be so curious about who they are, what makes them tick, and to have a genuine interest in all of their ins and outs. Type #3 is never a half way friend, if they are to call themselves a friend at all. Type #3 approaches relationships with others with with a child-like awe and excitement for “seeing you as a unique person”
Consequently, because the Self-Esteem relationship is a two-way street, they expect others to approach them with the same level of interest and desire to figure out what makes them tick. They are never truly satisfied with a relationship if they feel like they are the only ones making the effort to really get to know someone. Their efforts to attain this level of relationship is largely in the hope that it will be reciprocated, and when it is not, they’re left to catastrophize the relationship and turn their hope for Self-Esteem, into more of a depressive self-loathing.
Self-Respect
Type #3’s Self-Respect is derived from their sense of morality. This is not necessarily a morality prescribed to them by some church or religion, though you are likely to find them gravitating towards religion and spirituality generally.
Type #3’s morality is innate. It is a keen sense of right and wrong, that often exists as a black and white proposition. Something is either good, or it is bad, and they have a hard time allowing for any grey areas when it comes to moral reasoning.
Their Self-Respect lies in how carefully and consistently they live in accordance with this sense of morality, and while all of us recon our relationship to a higher power or authority when it comes to Self-Respect, Type #3 is the one most likely to have always been aware of it. They are credulous by nature, and have always believed someone was keeping score. Consequently, they have always had a strong sense of moral duty, and expect others to perform in like manner.
When this leg of the Self-Image Triad is violated, type #3 will sometimes enter what I call a “Purity Complex” (more on that later), in the which they will begin doing things in an effort to regain some sense of morality. For example; a Type #3 who knows and understands that sex should be cherished and even saved for marriage, who then has sex with a pressuring boyfriend, will often find another cause to become militantly devoted to on a morality basis. this assumes that she believed premarital sex was “bad” to begin with. Having violated that personal, moral norm, she may now become a hardcore vegan, justifying her rigidity to this lifestyle as “the right thing to do!” when in reality, she is seeking to regain some strength in a section of Self-Image that has been damaged.
Self-Confidence
Finally, type #3’s Self-Confidence comes from their Authenticity. This is their ability to walk into any situation and “be themselves”
Type #3 tends to live a life playing three roles simultaneously; They are the actor on stage, the director standing off stage, whispering cues and orders to the actor, and they are the audience, critiquing the Actor’s performance. The more incongruent those three perspectives are, the less confident Type #3 will be in a given situation.
When they are most confident is when they are in the company of people with whom they have been given permission to be open and candid, and when they feel as though they can express whatever comes to their minds and to their hearts. The absence of this freedom produces for them a sense of anxiety, as it does for all the types when their specific Self-Confidence needs are not met.
For Type #3, anxiety is often going to be correlated to the perceived threat to the relationship with others depending on how honest and authentic they can be. The more of “themselves” they feel they have to suppress, the more anxious they will feel, and the greater the desire to flee that situation.
For many of this type, there lies a fear that if they were “truly authentic” then they would run everyone off and be left alone. This comes from some internalized belief about some fatal flaw they posses, that they hope no one ever sees. This gives them a fundamental anxiety around every relationship, ultimately, and they find themselves having to walk this line between being honest and authentic, but also doing whatever they have to do to maintain the relationship, which of course, makes the relationship less than satisfactory.
Quick recap on Type #3, the Abstract Cooperator;
Self-esteem (relationship with others) lies in their empathetic connection with others, but more specifically, that others are as interested in finding out “who they are” as they are in others.
Self-respect (relationship to God/Higher powers) is in their adherence to their inner-voice sense of morality. The “rightness” and “wrongness” of an action or behavior.
Self-confidence (relationship to self) is in their authenticity. Their ability to be “free” and be “themselves” and to feel no hesitation about genuinely engaging their surroundings
Stick around for a discussion on the specific Self-Image needs of type #4